20 years ago today

It just hit me.
20 years ago today, I tied the knot.
It was a Friday.
Shortly after sunset.
Exchanged vows.
So much for broken promises.
So much for memories.
Thought it would last forever.
But I wasn't very smart then.
Not that I'm any smarter now.
Perhaps a bit wiser.
Or so I'd like to think.
We do change with time.
Or rather time does change us.
Now, all that is behind me.
Slipping farther into the black hole.
Time traveling forward, no turning back.
Would I travel back in time?
Not really.
Would I travel forward in time?
No chance.
I'd live the moment. The present.
Time travel is not for me. It's reserved for my fantasies.
Bon voyage.

First day alone again

Today was very interestingly boring.

Bear is gone for a week today. I miss the beast. I hope he is okay wherever he is.

Back from another one night trip away from home. Made up for six week sleep depravation. Worked from home. Only two calls. Some email. A couple of hours browsing. Mixed up feelings. No human interaction. I miss you. I'd reach for that phone. But then, not. Fantasize. Not again. Then another fantasy, why not?

Gotta get ready for another office day. Another turnaround day on Wednesday. Perhaps a longer trip next week. Gotta get back my life on track.

Shedding the Leaves

Tuesday afternoon .... Bear is gone, that was the first leaf to fall off .....

Saturday morning .... youngest leaf falls off as it flies away to another tree .... 

one more leaf to shed .... mid September .... though that will be compounded by the sprouting of another leaf in about 12 days .... 
The new leaf won't last for long .... it falls off short of three weeks ..

so ... come mid September, this land will be arid once again .... only a dried up tree with no branches for leaves to sprout .....

perhaps this time around, the tree will understand ..... no point in sprouting any more branches let alone leaves ... all destined to fall off ... floating away gently with the breeze ... seeking greener pastures .... this arid terrain void of emotions .... incapable of sharing .... unwilling to compromise or accommodate ... so hostile .... so unwelcoming ... it saps life slowly out of its own leaves .... they simply dry up and fade away to the future .....

determined ... this tree will learn to loosen up, accept that losing is part of the game ...... the bitter sweet game of life
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

This one really hurts

It's been three nights, two days since you walked out on me. And it hurts more than I ever thought it would.

The daily rituals, your nimble steps as you silently roam the place, stopping for a cuddle now and then. Waiting patiently for the sliding glass to wander out into the world. I got used to you disappearing for a whole night. But this has gone too far.

I really miss you, but I will hang on to the hope that you would come back home again.

Bear, I truly miss you, so don't be gone for long.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried

Aah ... Return of the wandering ranger

Today is a landmark.....
Back on the road again, wandering from city to city .... One day stops, same day return flights .... What a relief...
It is amazing that one often misses the forest for the trees, overlooks the blessing of doing what one is best suited for, under the pretense that this is not what one was brought into the world for.

For years, so many years ago, back in the 90's of last century, I lead an exhausting life, traveling almost every week, making three, four and sometimes five stops on each trip. I never appreciated that every job, every assignment or task was a first of it's kind, a challenge never before accomplished.

Come the new Millenium, it suddenly came to a grinding halt. No more travel, yet, still one exquisitely new intriguing challenge after the other. Personal, professional, .... if it was out there, I was sure to get the most challenging of tasks and assignments. I survived, and thrived. Though, I must admit, I never appreciated it till I had it then lost it.

2002 a turning point. Almost lost my then wife (now ex, thank God for that), and my now almost 9 year old boy. I fought with all my might, and I was rewarded and punished in one act; the both survived. My ex only to desert the camp seven years later. The punishment was the loss of my entire life, everything I ever earned, collected, all my memories, my music ...... EVERYTHING poof gone in a split second.

Now, I look back in retrospect, the only regret, how naive I was to question the wisdom of fate. Every challenge, every assignment was a blessing, a gift I never truly appreciated.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would do I all again. The only difference, I would make sure I enjoyed every minute, every second , every step along the way.

Hey man, I now truly relish the mountainous assignments, the inhumane tasks, the unbelievable expectations, as I waltz from one success to the other, and ironically,

Success breeds failure, failure breeds success.

Thank God for each failure. Another lesson learnt. Another star added to my star studded life. The lone ranger back on the trail.
  • Current Mood
    grateful For every failure

I am not sorry ..... You've been warned

Again I repeat the same mistake.

19 years in a relationship ended as unexpected as it started, at least I was relieved of the burden of dealing with a partner.

It took a while to realize that I was destined to lead a lonely boring life.

For almost two years, I built a wonder world; all alone, surrounded by my musical instruments, my cable TV, special collection of movies and stories, leading a serene, cold and lonely life. Yet, so comforting, content knowing there is no one to hurt or, no one to cause pain to, nobody to suffer from me.

I resisted so long invitations from people I respect and cherish, to mingle and join the crowd.

So many times I turned them down, pushing them away from my lonely paradise devoid of emotions and any passion. A world so primitive, relying on basic instincts, relishing in my animal instincts and needs. No dependency on anyone for emotional satisfaction, I actually forgot what it would be like to be around people.

What the hell was I thinking? Because someone smiles at me, shares my smokes, shows some compassion, early morning walk, ... I am so naive.

And yet again here I go about reeking havoc ... messing up things .... hurting people who unknowingly awakened senses and emotions I thought I'd buried along with my past relationship .... oh what a mindless being ....

Now .... that I finally woke up and smelt the over burnt coffee, I retreat back into my world .... the bliss of ignorance .... the wonder of not knowing what goes on the world around me .... back off the track of life ....

once again .... I regain control of this uncharted journey through my cold and lonely paradise void of any emotions or sentiments .... back to basic instincts ... relying on animal instincts .... navigating clear of any unnecessary human interaction ....

one more lesson learnt; never start what you cannot finish ..... don't veer off the course .... stay your passage .... steer away from what others think of as life .....

lay me down in peace ....

if you make it this far .... I would have liked to apologize for any inconvenience .... but I'd rather not .... In fact .... you have been warned .... this is the land of a lone ranger .... heading steadily towards the inevitable end .... at the bottom of the abyss. alone. carefree. apathetic.

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Center of the universe ... Words trickle painfully

4am I'm on the phone
Am I awake is it real
Did I wash my face
Why am I behind that wheel

Racing down the road
Not sure how I feel
Lost in thoughts
Who am I trying to heal?

Walked across the park
Pacing through heel for heel
Hearts now throbbing 
Minds spinnin' off the reel

Don't believe anything I say
Intoxicated under your spell
You still deny it? who am I to tell

Center of the universe
That's what you are
A Gravitational force
So fast; a shooting star
Flash along the course
Putting hearts under par

Center of the universe
Constellations revolving
Center of the universe
Emotions evolving
Center of the universe
Flashing and blinding
  • Current Mood
    disappointed Yet determined

To do or be done

Poll #1761871 Fantasies: To do or get done

What is your wildest fantasy

When it comes to desires and fantasies, are you

Somewhat Conservative
Extremely Wild
Try anything at least once
Strictly vanilla
No limits
Don't know
Oh no. Won't tell a stranger
What Ames you think I am like that
No comment

Would you consider yourself sexually

Don't know
Rather not say

Do you usually fantasize about

Doing ..... to your partner
Doing ...... with your partner
Doing ...... For your partner
Begging your partner to do ....... for you
Demand your partner do ........ For you
  • Current Mood
    creative creative

Not funny any more

A scream of pain in the middle of the night.
I jump out of sleep. It's 1:20 am. My son is in pain. He thinks something bit him. He's not sure. I comfort him. He runs to relief himself. Gets back on the sofa. Yells again in pain "dad I'm bleeding". And indeed there is another deep gash - definitely not your regular scratch. And guess who? The bear sinks his canines again in my son's instep. The bear strikes again. The beast sits at the foot of the sofa unawares and uncaring of what he has just done. Or is he?!
Let's hope this won't be another infected wound.
1:25am I prepare a detol bath for my son's feet. We soak both feet for a good 15 minutes. Finally we dry both feet and patch the new wound.

The bear's days are numbered now. My doubts are more suspiciously strengthening towards a belief that he is not a domestic pet. He is a wild cat who would probably be at home in a zoo or out there on the open ranges where his sharp canines might be put to better use.

I plan to take him to the municipality clinic this week and perhaps the Dubai zoo for a confirmation on his species.

Another night without sleep. And yet. Life is better than it was.............